Wednesday, April 6, 2011

babies.

here's the thing about babies: i want some. probably two. that's enough babies for me.

i didn't always want babies. partly because i was in my upper 20's before i really had a clear picture of who i was and what i wanted out of life, and partly because i never found myself in a healthy relationship with a stable partner who i could imagine raising human babies with. short story long,  i spent a lot of years thinking i wouldn't ever have babies. and i was ok with that.   

then i met dan, with his sanity and his sense of responsibility and his knowing who he is business, and i fell in love and wanted him to knock me the hell up. 

but it's scary. i am 35 years old, and so far, life has been the all about jude show. i get to do what i want, when i want, without apologizing to anyone or sacrificing anything. i've spent a lot of time and effort cultivating the person that i am, and i really think i'm pretty awesome. part of me is terrified that i will lose my identity in having babies. it won't be about me, ever again.

i AM excited about being pregnant. i'm excited about turning my body into a baby factory. honestly, i am. i think i was kind of built for it. i have dreams of a lovely, gorgeous, hippie pregnancy where i am never nauseous, and birds follow me singing and crowning me with floral wreaths because i am a fucking earth mother, OK???? there, i've told the universe how it's going to be, and now it has been written. so it shall be.

i'm sure i'm worrying for nothing, as i've never heard any of my mommy girlfriends complain about how their gorgeous wonderful children have ruined their lives. i know it's going to be ok, and the thing that happens to you from within to turn you into a mom once you hatch your kids will happen to me and i'll be fine, but right now it's uncharted territory, and that's always a bit scary. 

3 comments:

  1. Are you already pregnantpregnant? Who do you think you are, Dr. Nic?!?!

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  2. HI MANDY.. i am not yet pregnantpregnant! but hopefully sone day soonsoon!

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  3. You are an awesome person; you'll be an awesome mom when the time comes! I'm not worried! Think of it -- you'll be the cool Mom on the block who knows how to make duck-tit proisciutto!

    ReplyDelete