Monday, June 27, 2011

fear and worry

i'm not a hardcore worrywart, but from time to time, my thoughts can go that way. when i catch myself worrying about things, i will try very hard to get my head in a more positive space, because i believe that what we spend time and energy thinking about can become reality if we let it. good or bad.

having said that, judging by most of the baby/pregnancy books out there, it's amazing that anyone gives birth to a live baby at all.  everyone talks about the book "what to expect when you're expecting" like it's the bible of pregnancy books.  i think it should be renamed "YOU SHOULD EXPECT YOUR BABY TO DIIIIEEEEEEE".  it's a terrible fear mongering horror movie of a book. i can't read that shit.  it makes me sad. i am doing my best to give this babe a good start. some of it is easy and some of it is more difficult, but it's a no-brainer. you do what you have to do, within reason. but i really don't want to spend this pregnancy being afraid. i don't think a stressed out mommy is a good environment to grow up healthy in, either.

i did spend the first few weeks after i found out i was pregnant worrying that it wouldn't take. i had cramps and was sure it was a signal that i would lose the pregnancy. i worried that because i got a positive test so early, even before i missed my period, that it was just a chemical pregnancy and wouldn't stick. every time i went to the washroom i was terrified i'd see blood on the toilet paper. i checked a lot. i may have chafed my goodies with all the wiping. that didn't feel nice.

once the cramps went away and i was feeling pretty good and having normal pregnancy type symptoms, i calmed down a lot.  i feel happy and comfortable and don't spend much time worrying about the pregnancy itself.

i AM scared of a few things that may or may not be happening in the future, though.

1) hemorrhoids. eeeeeeeeeeew.
2) the possibility of having an amniocentesis. i probably won't have to have one, but the thought of a huge long needle poking me through the belly freaks me out.  i don't have a needle thing, but everyone has their limits.
3) along the same lines, having an epidural. big fucking needle through your spine, yaaaaaaay!

i've been watching a baby story a lot.  i can't yet picture myself in the place of these mommies. maybe it's cause i'm still fairly early on.  maybe it's because i'm not really showing too much yet, don't know the gender, haven't thought of possible names, etc. i am not scared of actually giving birth, because i think whatever has to happen will happen and i don't have any concrete birth plans. i just want my baby to be delivered safely and for it to be healthy, and however that goes down is ok with me. but i can't imagine that day. not yet.


  1. I skipped the amniocentesis. I just wasn't into it, figured I'd take my baby as it came, but not everyone feels the same about that.

  2. i guess they'll do the serum testing before they go ahead and do the amnio.

  3. what to expect is a great book if you have a couch or a table that needs propping up. it's so alarmist, you are correct. i hate that book. penny simkin FTW.

    are you doing serum screening? most women don't need an amnio, and if they think its something you might want, they would refer you to a genetic counselling clinic first where they would tell you about it. you don't need to watch (close your eyes!) and the needle is really only in there for about a minute. a midwife i worked with would always say "women fall into 3 categories: they don't want to test because they wouldn't do anything, they want to test so they can be better prepared, or they want to test because if it comes back positive, they would abort." just think about where you and your DILF lie into those 3 categories, hopefully that will make it less scary/intimidating?

    the epidural needle is also not in you for very long - plus they give you some skin freezing first so all you really feel is pressure in your back when they are putting in the needle. and then its just a flexible catheter that's left in there, so its not like there's a giant needle stuck in your back the whole time you have the epidural.

  4. We skipped the serum screening and the gbs swab ( that comes later). I can go over our reasons why if you want just drop me a line. At the midwifery clinic I worked at the What ToDo book was banned from our Lin Brady. Seriously recycle that thing. I have a few books I can recommend if you're interested which are more balanced.

  5. Jude, the epidural is so unbelievably miniscule compared to the intensity of hard core contractions, you hardly notice it, except for the almost immediate relief it provides.

    Not that I'm an advocate for epidurals, but I will say that they helped me through two shitty-assed inductions like magic.

  6. 24 years later and i still have very fond memories of my epidural. needle? what needle? seriously, you won't even remember getting it, but you sure will remember the relief it brought!